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Have you been thinking about a reward system for your kids? Or, maybe you’re wondering what the difference is between a reward system and straight up bribery?
Do these sound familiar:
“If you finish your work, you can go outside to play.”
“Get an ‘A’ on your online test, I’ll give you $20.”
“Stop crying right now and I’ll get you an ice cream.”
As parents, we’ve probably all used some type of external reward as motivation for our kids during one time or another.
Heck, I think at one low point during potty training I even promised a pony.
Or a unicorn.
Anyway, there might not be anything wrong with creating a reward system for things (not a pony for peeing but, you know, other stuff) IF you do it right.
However, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the long-term effects of rewarding our kids for doing stuff they should be doing anyway as part of life.
It all started during a
discussion negotiation about chores and allowance.
My daughter found a piece of art at a Seuss gallery that really interested her. The cost? Over $1,000.
Not deterred by the price, she decided she was going to start saving her money. She came to me one day with a chore chart she had created to supplement her savings.
In the past, we haven’t regularly paid for chores. They are, in my mind, part of just living here and being part of the family.
However, I can see some value in paying for things that are above and beyond a kid’s normal responsibilities (like, making your bed as a normal responsibility versus cleaning out the closet as an above and beyond).
But, right now she helps with those “above and beyond” chores without expecting anything, so . . . conundrum.
On the flip side, we know a homeschool mom who rewards her kid for everything.
I mean, EVERY. SINGLE. THING.
For this mom, every book read, every work completed, every advancement to the next level, it all has a reward system attached. In fact, in some of our shared classes outside the home, she has even asked the teachers to provide ribbons and other “rewards” that most of us parents see as . . . unnecessary.
It makes me wonder how a child will cope later in a life that is, um, less full of extrinsic motivational awards for completing every mundane project?
So, I started thinking: what is the benefit (or disadvantage) of regularly offering motivational reward systems to our kids?
If you do an online search on rewards for kids or intrinsic and extrinsic motivation you will find studies about rewarding behavior on both sides:
Grrrrr! Rewarding kids creates entitled, bratty adults!
Give those kids a sticker! They’ll be better for it!
But, just like everything, the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
Reward Definition and Reward Meaning
Before we go any further, let’s talk about the meaning of a reward.
Is a reward balloon for behaving in the grocery store?
Is a reward money that is given in exchange for a chore?
Or, is a reward when you bribe your kids to do something?
Bribing Kids versus Rewarding Kids
According to EmpoweringParents.com:
Generally, bribery occurs under duress—right smack in the middle of a situation in which your child has seemingly sprouted horns and a tail. It happens quickly, when all you want is to change your child’s behavior on the spot, so you offer him something that you had no previous intention of offering. It is a form of negotiating—and remember, over–negotiating puts the child in the driver’s seat. On the other hand, the effective use of rewards is quite different, because you are compensating your child for his good behavior, rather than being manipulated and extorted.
Rewards work best when they are predetermined and made known for a specific behavior. For example, you will get $10 a week for walking the dogs each week. Rewards set an expectation versus giving something in the spur of the moment.
Rewards and Recognition : Does It Really Work?
According to Dr. Carolyn Webster-Stratton, Professor Emeritus at the University of Washington, rewards “sometimes” work; while parenting expert and author of Honey, I Wrecked The Kids Alyson Schafer, says that rewards “rarely” work.
Dr. Webster-Stratton believes, “when used correctly, rewards can help kids succeed, make them proud of their accomplishments, and motivate them to keep working on challenges.”
She goes on to say that parents or teachers should use inexpensive and fun rewards (think: stickers or extra play time), while pairing it with praise.
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Daniel Pink, author of Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, says that external motivator reward systems can be helpful for simple tasks, but the long term effects on “cognitive, creative, social or problem-solving tasks can be ineffective or even harmful.”
Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes, also discusses the negative effects of extrinsic motivators.
When asked, “Do rewards motivate people?” Kohn replies, “Yes. They motivate people to get rewards.”
Award-winning educator Jody Stallings writes, “One problem is that the rewards for good behavior can’t keep pace with children’s changing desires.”
So, should you use a reward system to help motivate your child?
Most experts agree that helping a child develop intrinsic motivation, defined as “completing a skill or activity based on personal interest and enjoyment not for external rewards,” is a better choice for the long-term motivation of kids.
Your Therapy Source says that some ways you can help kids develop intrinsic motivation is by allowing self-direction, asking kids how they would like to reach a goal, allowing others to teach them a skill, and teaching kids to track their own improvements instead of comparing against other kids.
How do you feel about rewards? Do you use them during homeschool or with your kids?